Happiness Part 2

Image by Ylanite Koppens

Going from my 20’s to my 30’s ended up being one of the most psychologically traumatic times in my life. I was nursing some pretty significant disappointments with myself and the world in general while transitioning from a stressful job as a 911 dispatcher to another stressful job as an air traffic controller, and going through a divorce at the same time. Being a dispatcher is not a job that promotes a positive outlook on life or a lot of faith in your fellow humans. Being an air traffic controller is also not easy, and training is the worst part. I’d like to say this work-related tension caused my divorce, but the truth is that it was a long time coming and my state of mind just made it happen more quickly. My epiphany was that I had spent so much time catering to other people that I had almost completely neglected what I wanted. I had lost myself and what I wanted to be and harbored a deep sadness and resentment. I needed to fix that state of mind if I wanted any real chance at inner peace. In the  hustle and bustle of our daily lives, finding true happiness can seem like a distant goal. I spent the next few years recovering, trying to figure out what went wrong, and how to prevent future unrest. I learned a few things along the way and I’d like to share them with you. I’m going to dig into how to manipulate your state of mind into something more productive, positive and overall happy. 

Negativity is a slippery slope. Once you start down that road, a path many of us were trained to follow as children, it colors everything that happens around you. I would like to suggest that you can alter your perspective through mindfulness, which is really just paying attention to how you feel and why you feel that way. Eckhart Tolle, a renowned spiritual teacher and author, emphasizes the importance of living in the present moment. In his books, “The Power of Now” and “A New Earth,” Tolle explores how embracing the present moment liberates us from the grip of negative thoughts and emotions. I found these books quite helpful in changing my emotional state for the better. I had adopted a habit of brooding about the past and ultimately wasted large amounts of time feeling sorry for myself. This was ultimately self-destructive. The idea of being in the “Now” involves being fully present in the moment, cultivating awareness,  and accepting thoughts and feelings without judgment. 

A basic example of how this works is through meditation. You have a focus while you meditate, such as your breathing, or the flame and the void, if you’re a Robert Jordan fan. As negative thoughts intrude you don’t suppress them, instead you acknowledge them and then just mentally place them outside of your focus (or into the flame) knowing that they are there but they do not affect the present moment. This draws into focus things that are affecting the present moment, and there are internal conversations that take place. This is where Tolle emphasizes the difference between your actual self and your whiny little biological self. Whiny is not his wording, I think he calls it the “pain body”. This annoying voice tells is incessant and distracting, but your true self knows what is truly important. It takes a long while to handle this noise, but trust me it eventually becomes instinctual. Once you finally overcome the past and future background static, you still have an inner self-talk that sounds like this: I have to pee, something smells bad, I’m hungry and thirsty, this floor is hard and I need a cushion, dude you can wait until I finish this 5 minute meditation! 

This may seem like it’s somewhat time intensive, it does take a while to reach the proper state, and at first it is not as easy as it sounds. Once you get some practice, however, say 2 to 3 weeks 10 to 15 minutes a day, it becomes more natural and the benefits become more apparent. You can eventually learn to center yourself quickly, which is really important in my profession. I can be on the radio talking to a dozen aircraft, feeling the panic coming on, the cold sweat, the tunnel vision, then I take a deep breath, embrace the “Now” in the moment between transmissions and immediately put myself in a better head-space. I think many people in stressful professions learn to do something like this instinctively, or they don’t last long, and the toll on their body and mind is much higher.

The idea of self-talk is something I never really considered before my low point, but I have learned to appreciate the value this tool has to offer. Anyone who is serious about self improvement is familiar with the famous book “The Power of Positive Thinking” by Dr Norman Vincent Peale, but this idea has been around since the ancient Greeks and possibly before. There are many modern versions of this “Secret” but the basics are simple enough to understand. Your thought processes are often a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you think you are destined to live in a trailer park collecting welfare checks in back woods Maine, you will likely end up there. If you deny this version of reality and decide you will live in a Southern California beach town in a million dollar condo, the new reality becomes much more likely. I consider myself to be living proof of this concept.

Positive self-talk can take many forms. You can repeat affirmations in your head over and over, write down your goals and how you will achieve them, or put a picture on your desk of a kitten looking in the mirror seeing a lion in the reflection. Doing all three of these and more will ultimately increase the effectiveness. I also find listening to positive  and inspirational music to be very effective. There is a reason why “Eye of the Tiger” is on so many workout playlists. I jokingly refer to all this stuff as self-brainwashing. In my mind that is basically what we are doing, brainwashing ourselves with the thoughts we allow most often. The fact is our brain responds to repetition and molding. If you tell yourself something consistently and repeatedly with enough conviction your subconscious will start to believe it and work behind the scenes to make it a reality. 

During my recovery years my self-talk was more affirming than goal oriented. I would say things like “I will get through this” or “I am not defined by my past mistakes”. Later, when I had recovered a bit, I got cocky and had grand affirmations like “I will be independently wealthy in 5 years.” That particular goal got derailed by reality and several other factors which I may or may not reveal in future posts. These days I am fighting the ever creeping chains of cynicism disguised as pragmatism but I still have more specific and realistic versions of goals such as “I will retire from my current job at 51 years old”, and “I will pay off my home and 2 rental properties by 60 years old.”  Accomplishing both of these are by no means a sure thing, but they are something to shoot for that will require more than me sitting on my butt and coasting through life.

Be careful of situations that can sabotage your efforts. It is difficult to maintain a positive outlook if you are surrounded by negativity. If your friends and family are unrepentant cynics you may need to distance yourself, and a long vacation may not be enough. If you work in a job like a 911 dispatcher where no one who calls you has anything good to say, you may want to consider a new career. Dedication can overcome these challenges, however, constantly being exposed to negativity will encourage backsliding. Don’t watch the news, the networks don’t make money spreading good news. I haven’t watched it for over 20 years and I don’t feel like I’ve missed out on much. I find that my co-workers will give me a summary of current events whether I want it or not anyway. If there is something interesting I can always find a less biased, less sensationalized version of it online.

The main thing I’ve learned over the years, for myself anyhow, is that happiness takes effort. Kind of like marriage or a career, things don’t tend to trend upward without some direction and a sense of purpose. There are a plethora of tools available to anyone with the will to use them. I encourage you to read, listen, talk and educate yourself. Give meditation a try, it may not be for you, but every bit helps. Keep in mind positive thinking doesn’t imply ignoring challenges or denying reality; rather, it encourages us to focus on solutions, opportunities, and the good aspects of our experiences. I will consider posting book reviews and recommendations in the future if people are interested, until then, stay motivated, stay happy.